forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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