if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
