I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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