Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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