She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
