you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
