I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
