If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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