i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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