your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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