Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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