when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
