Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Nobody cheats on THIS.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
