I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
