I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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