I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
