did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
