i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
