I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
