My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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