I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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