I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Randomize
