I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
