You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
