We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
