I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
