3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
