half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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