I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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