even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
