Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
