I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
