apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
