with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
