i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
