Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
