Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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