idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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