FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
