you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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