So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
