So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
