that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
