I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
ttyl tear gas
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
