i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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