he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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