You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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