Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
