I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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