So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
