If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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