I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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